EMDR preparation

Disclaimer: This is one of my first therapy sessions in preparation for doing EMDR. I want to document my process with this, and share some snippets from therapy as I think not a lot of people know, and are perhaps curious, what goes on 'behind the curtain'. 

This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader/listener should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that recording and subsequent publishing by myself has been okay'd by my therapist.

Therapist:
A part of this process, a part of all of our processes for me, are are checking in or wanting to check in with each part of you; because yes we do things on our own and yes there are all of these capacities that parts of you have, to convince, to be reassured…And in a relational context where there’s relational trauma it can be really helpful to learn that we don’t have to do everything on our own.

Me:
Something a little part of me refuses to believe is true. It’s just like “no I need to do everything myself and no help from other people”. But yes, no, you are right.

Therapist:
Okay okay so maybe I can ask you just as you’re sharing these goals, hopes, notice things the things that you’ve written; Just periodically to pause and just check in, if and when it feels okay, to any parts of you who might be around that might need or want any kind of validation or confirmation or reassurance; So that there if the judgmental part gets a little bit loud, that there that I can I can be a part of the conversation if that’s needed.

Me:
Yes I can do that. “What are each of your hopes for EMDR?”.  So the first thing that I wrote down is “being able to face my fears” So by face I mean especially me Moxie, be able to face my fears of the trauma and the memories that Mila holds, because that’s something that I am scared of. So that’s like a big thing I suppose. Then the ability to be ‘normal’  and to not be triggered easily, and to gain more control over my life and over my life journey. To be more independent, like,  I won’t be afraid of going out and doing stuff I suppose. I think, as well, being able to provide comfort and support to myself rather than constantly like being in denial, or rather than like certain parts being in denial of the trauma and stuff like that. No longer feel shame or at fault for what happened to me in childhood. And that EMDR will ‘fix me’, so wanting to fix the effect that I have on others; That I feel like a burden a lot of the time. And the idea that it [the trauma]  affects me as well, because a lot of the time I feel like… It’s difficult because this is like a very collaborative effort kind of thing…but yeah, a sense of feeling broken, or bad, or wrong or gross, or disgusting.

So I guess, yeah, that shame that comes on, wanting to fix that, so be normal or whatever. And wanting like I want it to make me get over it; To get over the silly “woe is me I was abused” phase. And to realize that I am nothing special, that I am attention seeking, and that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. To get rid of, yeah, to just get over all of the all the silly nonsense that I’m making up. *sigh* I didn’t, I don’t like that dot point, but I’m trying not to judge that part of me because I don’t want to be the judgmental one, even though that other part is the judgmental one..Oh! And that also has to do with that whole ‘fixing’ thing is that overall ‘fix’ the disturbing beliefs that I have about these people, the disgusting thoughts and desires that I have about them and me together. Yeah, so definitely a lot of judgment in those in those big points, of like getting over it or like, you know, ‘fix’ me kind of thing… yeah 

Therapist:
So if it’s okay just noticing that judgment that’s been coming up with those last few done points, and just looking back at them as I can see you’re looking at them. But anything about their wording or about what they’re saying that might want to be changed or shifted?

Me:
Do you mean in the now or the future?

Therapist:
In the now, because I’m hearing that, and now as you’re reading them, there’s also this sense of “uh I don’t like those”. Knowing that a part of this process is collaboration and collaboration internally, so figuring out even if it’s not the answer everyone wants, I want you to be okay enough and feel secure enough and what it is… I’m saying what it is I’m hoping for and how we all, you know , like with parents telling children they might not like that they don’t get 10 cookies but “okay fine I can just have one”. So it’s a little bit me just wondering is there anything in the wording, or the description, or that hope and goal, that needs to be changed in this moment?

Me:
I mean, I guess I could… I want to be comfortable with sitting and seeing it from an observational point of view. I don’t want to have the desire to change their wording because I know that it’s important to be able to hear everyone’s concerns

Therapist:
And what I’m hearing is there are qualities of managing and regulating. You know how we use the words “tolerating” and “window of tolerance”; That it may not be entirely comfortable for you, and you’re noticing it, but as opposed to stepping in and shutting it down, choosing not to share it, or to push those away, there’s something else that you’re doing

Me:
I know that I need to be prepared to sit with that discomfort and listen to things that don’t make me comfortable, that parts of me think, and that I’m committed to doing that, so I kind of, you know, just need to “do the thing”

Therapist:
So In This Moment, how is it doing this part of “the thing”?

Me:
I don’t know I guess I kind of feel…proud. Yes I kind of feel that yucky ‘p’ word.. Proud of myself I suppose

Therapist:
That’s the second time I’ve heard that word today

Me:
I don’t like it

Therapist:
it’s definitely something to linger in and feel a bit of that ‘p’ word in. It also requires, as you know, various resources and capacities in us. May I ask a question about some of those dot points?

Me: *sound cuts out*

Therapist:
Okay and I’ve just noticed that I can’t hear you anymore

Me:
Sorry, you had a question?

Therapist:
I was just gonna say, you know what I wonder, with the dogs barking and with the headset and audio just asking a little bit different of you and of us, if we might see that as some of that AIP model, that adaptive information processing framework, which is Central to EMDR.. It is it’s right here right now. That model is throwing things at us and at you this morning, and where there might be parts of you who would feel very overwhelmed and might feel a bit like giving up,

Me:
I hate it

Therapist:
I’m hearing you  and I’m seeing you still be here with me, still find a solution and though those feelings are around, this prefrontal cortex of yours is adapting to the challenges and saying “okay yeah this is fucking frustrating, but I’m going to pursue and persevere. I can get through this because it is actually small ‘enough’ that I can still be here in it

Me:
I think part of it is anything that could go wrong is going wrong, so I think that’s also partly overriding it is the the annoyance or irritation.. I think now that I think about it, Mila’s definitely in amongst the the chitter chatter. So I think that’s kind of like a bit of a bleed through emotion kind of thing of just like being very frustrated the fact is being like “I hate zoom. Zoom is awfu.l I just want to physically be at therapy because it’s terrible

Therapist:
And a bit of the communication amidst that chitter chatter. That’s one or another’s feelings about it; that it’s yours, a bit of hers, a bit of someone else’s, maybe working together a bit

Me:
Yep…Other parts of me hate that idea of working together, it’s just like “ew”. Acknowledging that that working together and be like “No I don’t want to work together with Mila, eugh”

Therapist:
Okay well that feels.. If that feels okay for you, like a good sort of transition moment for me to go back to the question I wanted to ask

Me:
Yes, yes please question

Therapist:
I’m curious, with these point’s you’ve just read to me, whose they each are, or whose are more than others? And you may or may not have considered this, it may have been you writing all of them so it might be a chance to kind of feel into each one and go “yeah this might be more than just mine, this might be a few of ours”. But I’m curious, yeah, whether each part, each point is held by “yeah this is all of us this is me at my own system” or if some lie more with some of you than others.

Me:
I think the whole “being able to face my fears” I think that’s, I mean yeah very much felt by me Mox, but I think there are probably also others that feel that as well but I think to definitely lesser degrees, I guess. I think it’s a very overall… I feel like the whole entire, you know, “wanting to be normal” thing; I think that’s pretty much everyone.

Therapist
When you say sort of it’s you “it’s mostly Mox but maybe some others”. If you were to just sort of hazard a guess in this moment, who might else have some fears around the memories that Mila holds?

Me:
I think even, I mean I think even Mila probably has some fears around that but she doesn’t really like admitting to being fearful of anything. That she’ll actually need to acknowledge feelings like fear and sadness related to any memories or anything like that. It’s just kind of felt in a different way,  with with Mars and Melody as well but  in a more gung-ho kind of way or whatever. Like “oh,I’ll be able to face my fears”, rather than with myself it’s more of an anxiety-felt way.  I think in a more encouraging and caring kind of way, the same thought process is felt by Scribe, kind of thing. But yeah it has like more of a caring, paternal part or whatever aspects to it

Therapist:
And with the “be normal”?

Me:
Yeah “be normal”… I think that’s like very felt by Mila. I think in a very self-judgmental “Oh I’m at fault for all.. That I’m the cause of my own demise” in a kind of way. Judging herself for what happened. So yeah, there’s that “oh finally”, you know, “If I do this I’ll be ‘normal’”, that’s kind of how she feels about it. I just want to be normal so I can fit the mold of what a ‘person’ is in society of just doing normal things, and just being basically average. And when I say that, I guess, Mars’s feelings aren’t quite the same, and to a degree mine kind of change with that,  but there’s still that understanding from Mars about the whole sentiment of ‘normalcy’ and what normalcy means to me Mox. Their view of normal in my view of normal is different I suppose. It’s like their view of normal is more of like a “I can function without being constantly triggered by things”

Therapist:
I have a question about ‘normal’ and I’m wondering if it might be okay just to pause there to ask a question ,otherwise, if that doesn’t feel okay right now we can come to that another time and come back to these dot points and who holds what beliefs

Me:
I am going to challenge myself and accept the question

Therapist:
If you got any message from anywhere inside you, or any of your emotions that are signaling you “a bit too much, I’m not quite right right now” can you let me know?

Me:
Yes, I can 

Therapist:
Great, thank you. So for you, what does… you know, you’ve described a bit around the sort of “averageness” or the “like everyone else” this “normalcy” and “functioning” that’s sort of shared but a bit different. So just for you, what would, if you waved this magic wand and woke up, and you woke up to an existence inside of that word “ah I’m normal”, how would you know? What would you notice, what would you be doing?

Me:
I mean I wouldn’t be in the house so much, I’d go out and do things. I think that also has like a
physical aspect to it too, but I feel like I would go out and be able to do things, you know, go for a job, or I would be able to go out and meet new people and socialize, and that I wouldn’t be anxious whenever I
do those things…I’d be able to , you know, go to the shops and not be overwhelmed with all the choices of things or I wouldn’t get overwhelmed when I get triggered by seeing something, or smelling something, or hearing something, or anything like that.

Therapist:
And just before I move on is there anything else around or in that

Me:
I don’t think with me but there’s definitely like some form of communication coming through about “ if I were normal therefore it would mean that I wouldn’t be broken”, I guess. But then there’s also a thought coming through being like “well if I were normal then I wouldn’t be seeking attention, or that I wouldn’t be…being normal would mean that I wouldn’t need therapy.” That’s definitely coming through but not necessarily Mox but I’m not sure; I think maybe it’s one of the Mila’s, kind of thing but um…

Therapist:
Did you want to take a moment to just see if it is from Mila?  How do you tell them apart when you are able to? What stands out to you?

Me:
I think they’re both rooted around judgment. I’m trying to figure out how to best describe what I’m thinking, but one of them is very I guess in a ‘meek sadness’ kind of judgmental way, whereas the other is um… One is in a more internalized judgment kind of way whereas the other is in a very externalized kind of way. So there’s the one that doesn’t like therapy, at all, but then there’s the one that feels bad for needing therapy. But the thought around “oh this means I won’t be broken so I won’t need therapy” is kind of-can be overlapped or shared among the two of them so that’s why I can’t quite figure out which is which. Yeah, yeah I think that’s the best way that I can describe it.

Therapist:
And it sounds like in that last description, especially with your hands and what you were showing, that it sort of meets a need for both sides of it. That there’s the part that doesn’t like therapy, and the part that has internalized a ‘brokenness’, that the potential of this ‘normal’ and what it means, meets both of those needs. “This won’t feel- I won’t feel internally as sad or broken”  and the other side of it is and “we’re not going to need therapy in this way”

Me:
hmm yeah, yeah 

Therapist:
That is wonderful because there is somewhat of a union in that. That if it can potentially meet needs on both sides that is a place where those two parts can come together and go “oh okay, so maybe it might be okay to work together, to show up here together because we both are going to walk away with something that’s needed

Me:
Yeah look there’s certainly communicating or a pushback um with the- I think probably both of them are actually around the moment, but definitely with that part that doesn’t like therapy and being analyzed and things like that,of not exactly being a team player. And yeah, her not wanting to work together and this feeling of “eugh, we’ve got like a mutual goal” kind of thing. Yeah

Therapist:
Yeah, okay, I wondered if that might be happening [with] what I was saying. Is that okay for you and for other Mila, and the other feelings in there; If for that part of Mila she doesn’t have to feel like a team player right now?

Me:
Umm, yes and no. I guess there’s kind of that-there’s that like positive outlook,feeling I guess in a way, which I think is definitely held by Scribe in the caring way of just being “she’ll eventually come around to the idea, and you just kind of need to give her time”. But then there’s the, I guess anxiety, that probably comes from mostly Mox but also ‘generic’ Mila of just being like “well what if she doesn’t come around?” or “how long is it gonna take for her to come around to the idea of being a team player?”

Therapist
Yeah, okay, thank you for taking a moment there to feel into that and describe that. That that is a part that we don’t want to rush, and that is a part of what we are doing; and what we will be doing is both giving space to these places in you so they aren’t rushed into a role they’re not fully okay with, as well as being caring enough and firm enough with boundaries around what you are choosing for you. Where it’s different, as you know so intimately in our spectrum of dissociation and in our spectrum of experiences of trauma is: Sometimes things are like with the sound before, tricky, sometimes they are challenging, sometimes they are scary, or hard, or not wanted, and where our more active dissociation steps in is it shifts our memory networks and it’s like “nope this is too hard so this is either going to be blocked, or someone else is going to step forward and be the only one to do these things because it’s too much on the rest of us, or it’s too much on the rest of the body and brain”.

And so in knowing this, we’re just really gently, we’re just very gently starting to titrate that a little bit, so mentioning her, respecting those feelings, acknowledging that we’re not going to force her in because we don’t want anything extreme to happen in reaction to that, but we’re just starting to go “okay what are the boundaries here?” And like a good parent, or like the way you are showing up for Cirrus and Nimbus, “even though it’s painful honey I’m going to pick you up and give you this medication, and I know you’re a bit upset at me right now, you can be, you don’t have to love this but we are going to do this. So it’s not crossing or violating parts of your needs for safety, but it is recognizing very gently this sort of wider framework of it. And letting parts of you be a bit pissed, and that that’s okay. It’s okay to be a bit uncomfortable…

Just taking a moment just to kind of feel into- how has this felt for you, this past hour?

Me:
I mean, I wish it wasn’t Zoom. I think that has felt helpful.I think it has felt weird, odd, challenging, and I also should feel proud trying to feel and to listen to everyone else’s thoughts on things. So I guess I am proud, or trying to explore the idea of feeling proud about it. But I think, I think if I were to say one word, I would say ‘productive’