“It’s just a book”

Recently I have been borrowing books about C/PTSD from my therapist, unfortunately my rabbits managed to nibble one the other day. I had a LOT of emotions about this and judgements towards myself for it happening, which is what we were focusing on in today’s session

Disclaimer:
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader/listener should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that recording and subsequent publishing by myself has been okay'd by my therapist.

Therapist:
So I know we’re moving forward with what you’re sharing but I was wondering if we could just pause for a moment just to give some space. I want to be a bit curious, “something’s feeling like it’s getting lost” or the mind is “going somewhere”?

Me:
I think…I think maybe it’s because, I mean yes I’m annoyed at Nimbus for chewing the rug and that’s, you know, a minor inconvenience and having to sort that out. I think part of it is the overwhelm and feeling about them chewing the book because. It’s like yeah, just feeling frustrated with myself for not taking it off of my bed because I usually don’t leave it on there but it was the middle of the night; And then judgment comes in and says “oh you’re making excuses”, but it’s like yeah- I’m frustrated at myself for that happening and it’s also just, I don’t know. It’s like, and I’m trying to tell myself that logically I’m just like “it’s a book and I’m replacing the book and it’s fine” but I just feel very emotional and overwhelmed about it. Because it just feels like, I don’t know, internally my judgment that is coming through is that that it was selfish or that it was careless to not have taken care of it. A feeling of like I don’t deserve to have nice things.

Therapist:
Yeah, it sounds like a littler part is around. Any other feelings that this littler part of you is feeling?

Me:
I’m feeling disappointed in myself, yeah I’m feeling disappointed in myself that I should have taken better care of it. There are so many things that I should have done that I didn’t do to prevent it from happening, and it would have just been as simple as me putting it where I usually put it, which is in the cupboard bit of one of the cubes. And I didn’t do that, which was careless and it was selfish that I just got up in the middle of the night and left at that when it would have taken me all of two seconds to put it away

Therapist:
Okay yeah and these things happen, don’t they? It’s a book, it’s still readable, and pets are a bit unpredictable. It’s a pretty heavy feeling that’s around hey?

Me:
I’m trying not to judge myself for that feeling as well but there’s also the trying to understand, and feeling angry with myself for being upset over just a book. So there’s also that judgment that’s coming in

Therapist: 
Okay, so there’s that critical part there. That more nurturing voice, that kind of protective and nurturing voice that I heard in the beginning that said “things will be fine, it’s not the end of the world” is that voice still around?

Me:
Kind of. I think it’s still around but I suppose because it’s the more logical side of things, it’s being very overweighed by the emotions. And consciously as well I know I’m trying to do the thing I always do where I try and not cry because I don’t like crying, or showing an emotion because to me it feels like weakness. And I’m frustrated at myself for doing that because logically I know that crying is okay, and that feeling emotions are okay; But emotionally I don’t feel connected to that sentiment.

Therapist:
Yeah, so that shutdown part is around as well

Me:
Yeah

Therapist:
So if we just– there’s quite a few. There’s four or five competing ideas right now. If it’s okay if we just slow, and I can see you breathing which is great.  And just come back for a moment to this wounded part of you just to check in and really gently move towards this part of you. Knowing that tears are really healthy decompression, they help us come out of sympathetic activation to help us come back to balance. They’re a part of the parasympathetic nervous system that rest, digest, repair, they help the body go back down to homeostasis. Any of the tears or emotions that are around are a good sign there’s some release that might be needed. That sounds like this littler part of you has a lot of beliefs, and feelings, and worries; And  I want to see if we might be able to resource, using me,  and also some of the words of this more nurturing part of you, to reassure, to affirm to let this wounded part of you know it’s okay what’s being felt and that nothing bad is going to happen, that it doesn’t mean anything about its goodness.

Me:
It feels very frozen

Therapist:
It feels frozen? Okay. Can you describe a little bit, what is this frozenness like?

Me:
I wouldn’t say frozen like being trapped in ice because it doesn’t quite have that same coldness to it but, I think…Kind of like, I don’t know, like being stuck in something solid like marble or thick glass, kind of thing.

Therapist:
Okay

Me:
Yeah it’s just like this frozen, kind of deer in headlights kind of feel to it maybe. I don’t know, it’s like, I mean I suppose it’s like that freeze response or whatever.

Therapist:
Okay. Can you try just for a moment, just a little bit– If we alternate hands, just take one hand we’re just gonna do one side, the other side, one side on an arm, the other side, one side of the hand and the other side. We are just using some of that bilateral just very very gently. If we just take a breath together, any yawns or stretches, and just very gently almost like taking a few little steps internally, if we move gently back towards that place, that voice that says “hey, it will all be fine. This is not the end of the world”. If you can imagine someone who’s either been a good caregiver for you, someone you’ve trusted in your life or some way that you’ve known yourself as a good caregiver for a loved one, for pets, or someone in your life. Who might that voice sound like or remind you of?

Me:
Probably nan

Therapist:
If Nan was hearing about this and  was seeing this littler part feeling really upset about leaving the book on the floor and the bunnies having a little nibble on it, and playing with it, what might she say to you?

Me:
I mean, she would probably say that “it’s just a book”. And the typical old person thing, you know, “there’s no point crying over spilled milk”. But like not in a judgmental kind of way, you know, in a supportive typical what old people say, kind of thing. Yeah I don’t know, she just wouldn’t–not that she wouldn’t really care about it, but she’d  be like “it’s a book”. And, you know, like you said it’s still readable. I don’t know whether it was more something she would say, or it’s something that I logic in: It’s the fact that means now I have my own copy of the. book because now I’m getting you a new copy, so that means that I have my own copy so I can read it. So that’s not the worst thing in the world.

Therapist:
But  this feeling it’s still here right? I’d like to hear from this part of you that’s so sad

Me:
I don’t know, I think it couples along with that feeling of, I don’t know, disappointment? That I’m selfish or I’ve done something irresponsible, and feeling disappointed with myself

Therapist:
May I speak directly to this sadness, to this part of you ?

Me:
Yeah

Therapist:
You’re feeling really disappointed, hey? And I can see you trying to breathe, and calm.I can see you moving your feet, bringing some movement into your body. You’re doing so many things to help yourself right now

Me:
But I’m not connecting with the emotion?

Therapist:
I can see the emotion, I can see that it’s here. You know sometimes these kinds of things, little bits of movement and breath, they help us titrate that emotion. They don’t push it away, they help make it manageable. It’s really great what you’re doing. In our adulthood it is upsetting but we can be a bit more flexible. We have more understanding of the gray of human error, of moments, of accidents. What it feels like I’m hearing is that it’s acted like a bit of a trigger, and when we have wounded parts, the trauma that lies around those areas, it evokes painful feelings like I’m seeing, and that sense of powerlessness. When we’re little, and these parts of us get wounded, they get stuck in time kind of like in a trance. And when that happens, like I’m hearing you share little snippets of memory right now, our brains make a whole movie of it. It’s called memorializing and it gets stored in our mental inbox, and when we process, and integrate, and organize the healing around that wounding, it moves from our inbox to our archives. But while it’s in that inbox it continues to act as a reminder for those really painful emotions. What we are doing and moving towards, and the reason why I’m explaining that to you, is we want to help your brain process the wounding

so that the reminders don’t continue to press play on these movies so that these wounded parts of you experience those painful beliefs, thoughts, and feelings, as if they’re still active now. Does that make sense?

Me:
Yeah.Yeah I mean, I know it’s probably mostly Ady and that she is upset and overwhelmed, and feeling like the world is imploding and that she’s just the worst person in the world, that she ruins things. That’s difficult as well because I know that she wants a hug but then there are parts that don’t want to hug, so it’s like trying to juggle what what side to choose from that yeah

Therapist:
Yeah that’s difficult to juggle. So let’s go really slowly okay.

Me:
I’m trying hard not to block her out, because my natural instinct happens every two seconds as I go from emotion to not that, of trying to break that habit but it is difficult

Therapist
Okay yeah. How are you doing that? because that sounds like a lot of work

Me:
I just kind of try and– I don’t know, in my mind I see it like having, not necessarily like a wall, but like a block I guess, and trying to–it like goes like this automatically towards me as I’m  closing her off, and trying to just sit and push back against that but it just keeps on– It’s like an automated door kind of thing, or an automated thing that just keeps on getting pushed back

Therapist:
Yeah, okay. Now this is new isn’t it? Some of these processes are new. And I can hear in that door some of those worried parts of you protecting it, closing it; Maybe a bit worried that the feelings that Ady is feeling might be too much, or might mean something, or change something. I want to reassure those protective parts of you who are pretty familiar with blocking or dissociating, I just want to reassure those parts, and invite any of the yawns, nothing is going to happen without their consent. We’re not going to override, we’re just very gently just giving them a bit of information and showing them “hey it might not be as extreme, it might not need so much blocking or dissociation from it right now”, and we’re not going to force them to receive any kind of care that all of you doesn’t consent to. If we very gently just turn back a little bit towards Ady, can you maybe ask her to let you know what is it about a hug that feels reassuring?

Me:
I guess it’s just that it feels safe and feels caring. Which, I don’t know, there’s just something about hugs because it just feels everything’s better, that nothing can really hurt you. It’s just so annoyingly frustrating that I– Just the pushing keeps on happening. I just want to let her feel, that sounds awful, but I want to let her feel that sadness but it just keeps on going and coming. And  if it just stayed and I felt it then it would be, it would go away kind of thing. Yeah,  that release thing or whatever, but it just keeps on going and going

Therapist:
Yeah okay. I’m just gonna very slowly just remind the rest of you who’s listening, some of that coming and going that you’re noticing is a part of this process okay? This door is being open, closed, open, closed, it’s not slamming shut, it’s not disappeared.  I can see the feelings, and I can see how hard these different parts of you are working and your brain trying something new. It’s not trying to work against you,  it’s letting you have bite-sized pieces

Me:
The bite-sized pieces feel like just giant gulps

Therapist:
Okay. I maybe want to ask you, does she say anything else, can you ask is it the feeling of  nan, something she might do?

Me:
It was just the feeling of being around nan, kind of thing, or just all the nice stuff that we used to do at nans, or after school, or if I was sad, if I was sick, or on the holidays. Yeah, just just having that environment that felt safe and homey. Just spending time with her

Therapist:
That sounds so nice

Me:
It’s like simultaneously is that want of Ady’s but then also that’s making me upset because I know that    that’s not something that I can have anymore. So it’s like my brain is making me sad with all these happy memories or whatever, and knowing that they’re not there.

Therapist:
Okay, okay. I think perhaps that we should take some steps, put a kind of bubble or safety around that, but I think we should take some space from that way now because I’m hearing your name that it’s not making it gentler,  it’s adding to some of the heavier feelings here. Can we do that together? And just take a check inside, I want to see if everyone is okay with that, if all the parts of you are willing to be on board; That we’re not going to forget this, or leave it, or drop it, but we’re going to take care of you right now. And we’re all going to step away from any of the critical words any of the sadness, any of the longing. I want to come back to right here and right now, okay?

Me:
You make it sound so easy

Therapist:
We’ll do it together, I’m not asking you to do it alone all right . Does everyone, do all the parts of you feel okay with that? Really take your time, specifically with that critical part. We need everybody on board here.

Me:
The critical part, well not that specific par, but there’s the critical part around that wants me to feel pain, wants me to feel that sadness, but I think that’s more directed towards me and Mila than it is towards Ady

Therapist:
Okay. So I’m going to be a bit firm with that part right now okay? And even if it’s not 100% on board we need it  to come with us okay? Which means putting down all its words and just coming with us. Can you let it know?

Me:
Yeah

Therapist:
Okay. So if we’re looking at traveling back here, back to this moment, this here and now with you and me and this beautiful teal backpack, in this fire-like heater in this room; How far of a distance to travel from these movies, these places where you are now does it seem to get back to this moment?

Me:
It kind of feels like a bouncy ball. Like one of those annoyingly tiny small ones that  if you drop it  it will bounce everywhere and like bounce across the room and you’ll never see it again. Like one of those tiny ones so it feels like it’s going like back and forward but the distance is like–

Therapist:
Okay so when it bounces the distance is really far

Me:
Yeah whereas I was it to be more like a tennis ball but those shitty tennis balls but that don’t really bounce when you play handball

Therapist:
Okay, okay. Now I’m wondering if we might very gently– how do you feel standing up with me? Just to try

Me:
Stubborn but I’ll do it

Therapist:
Well I’m going to get a very annoying little ball, would you like to pick a color?

Me:
Pink

Therapist:
Okay actually I’m going to keep blue. So just using some of this movement let’s just walk around. So we do feel a bit silly right now, that’s okay. What we’re doing is there’s a lot of energy in your feet and legs, so to help some of that stuck or frozen we’re just going “hey look we can move”. Let’s see if while we’re doing this you and I can pass these balls back and forth okay? And if we pause here and do this for a second *breathes in and out*  Put your hands up, and very quickly let’s do a little body scan through your head, down your arms, face, legs. What are you noticing right now?

Me:
I feel silly but I feel better

Therapist:
Okay. And if I ask you to just check in to see if Scribe or anyone else who might be holding the words “hey everything will be fine, this is not the end of the world, you’ll be okay”, is there any voice in there by any part that might be willing to come forward with that phrase?

Me:
Yeah, I know that that’s still a thought that’s floating around, that it’s not the end of the world, and I think I can see that with a bit more clarity than I could before. It’s annoying to me, I’m just being like “Oh yes the thing works blah blah blahh”. Yeah I feel a little bit more willing to believe the fact that, you know, I’m not spiraling towards my impending doom and that okay everything is okay.


Therapist:
Okay. Now one of the things that I would like to do with us, alongside what we’re doing, is what they call Ego State Therapy. It can be really helpful in moving towards EMDR, and moving towards, you know, these mobilizing internal resources, to help parts of us that have had attachment wounding. Some of working with Ego State Therapy is just starting to notice where the blending of adult and child part, or parent part happens, and how sometimes to safely and kindly bring your adult self– Or we could change that language it’s a bit dichotomous– In place even while, and alongside, where the wounded part or child part is feeling something. So it may still be in there and that’s okay, that’s okay if there’s still some disappointment or still some sadness. That part of you doesn’t need to know how to fix it, or how to get a new rug, or how to decide what to do with the book; That’s that other resource in you, that’s the you now, okay? And so we’re gonna start kind of experimenting, and you might find some ways of doing this today of  just noticing

Me:
I can try that today okay