“What if I fail?”

I’ve decided that I want to study AUSLAN (Australian Sign Language), but as with many things, I am afraid of starting because I am scared I will fail. We focused on that in today’s session, and on hearing the different feelings from fragments/EPs regarding that fear around potential failure, while attempting to weave in more ‘positive’ encouragements from nurturing ANPs.

Disclaimer:
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader/listener should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that recording and subsequent publishing by myself has been okay'd by my therapist.

Therapist:
Now I’m wondering, just that we spoke a little bit about sort of taking a bit of time to kind of review how it’s been for you looking back over the sessions, listening to the sessions. What’s come up for you , what you’ve noticed and spending a bit of our time there today. I’m wondering if you think it might be helpful at all to consider who might, who should maybe be around inside today, who might be helpful just in case there are any more emotional places or vulnerable parts, or wounded parts that get a bit activated during our session today.

Me:
Um I think, I mean Scribe is always my my go-to answer with that, but I don’t think Dakota’s around at the moment but I know that they were around last night. Mel has been a bit in and out this morning, so I know that she’s helpful for that to an extent. But most mostly Scribe but also Mel.  It’s mostly Mars and Mox at the moment. I don’t know whether Mila is anywhere nearby. I was trying to, not coax her out, but I was trying to listen to some of her favorite music and things on the way on the train this morning, but yeah I still can’t really hear her

Therapist:
For you, what is it about Scribe that makes them feel like someone who’s a  part of you  who’s helpful and who might be supportive

Me:
I think because like they have  a very combination of qualities and things that that Ether had, and Felix as well. So it’s there’s just a very loving, nurturing kind of feel to it. I think spiritual isn’t quite the right word that I’m after, but it’s just an aura I suppose they have about them that is very welcoming, and warm, and feels safe– but there’s enough like logic there without it being full, you know, caught up in the logic of things. It’s like “oh this thing makes sense” and also empathy and stuff like that.

Therapist: 
Okay. Might have been helpful take a moment to check inside and locate Scribe just to see if they can hear what you’re mentioning?

Me:
Yeah no, they can. I did have a quick question though as well because “you should probably ask”. I was wondering if at all possible if we might be able to, and otherwise it’s fine not to, to change sessions because I want to start learning sign language through TAFE.

Therapist:
How does that feel hearing yourself say that?

Me:
Scary. Scary as in change is scary. I think there’s that, not necessarily an over worrying about it, but there’s the “oh potentially I’ll only have um one session of therapy, that’s very different to what I’m doing at the moment. Will I be mentally okay enough to do that?”. So I think there’s that going through my head but I’m not entirely ‘worried’ worried about it like I would be say you know, six months if I was thinking of doing the same thing. Yeah I’m like “oh that’s scary, it’s change” but I’m not completely consumed by the worry. I think part of that’s also because Scribe is  around but still, take the win I guess

Therapist:
Yeah and that’s wonderful that you notice that that’s also probably because Scribe is around. So they offer something quite helpful. “Things are scary, change is new, and I’m gonna try it anyway”.

Me:
I’m trying not to let the feeling of about “what if I fail at doing this?” in too much. I’m trying to sit with it but also I don’t want it there. Because it is obviously that thought of “what if I fail at doing this thing” or “what if it’s like any other thing that I try and pick up and try and do and then I give up part way through?”

Therapist:
Would it be okay, because I noticed a little bit of breath holding and holding your body; just to invite a little bit of breath, any kind of movement, stretches, any of the yawns. When we invite breath in in the moments we notice some of those worries or concerns, it’s not to try to change or fix them, it’s just to bring back the body into some of the brain’s worries so that it can move through, so that we can be with it and it doesn’t get stuck. What might you know about yourself now that can answer some of those worries? What might things you know about yourself that are different or that contradict in a positive way, perhaps some of the worries around failure?

Me:
I’ve managed to start reading books and things recently and that’s something that I haven’t done for years, and it’s something that I committed myself to doing and have been doing. And I have the rabbits and they’re definitely difficult to look after a lot of the time but I’m doing it. I guess there’s that trying to challenge those thoughts but then there’s that tug of war thing of the Judgment jumping in, that those were those were “simple tasks” kind of thing. Like the whole phrase of “the bar is set very low”, “the bar is on the floor”–so that those were simple tasks and that studying for Cert II and then going on and all that is very different to those things that I did. That those things shouldn’t be viewed as accomplishments. There’s a there’s a bit of a fight, a bit of a tussle being put up with that.

Therapist:
What is Scribe offering? Because you’re saying “there’s a bit of a fight”

Me:
Scribe is definitely offering a more realistic point of view of “here are all of these:” like listing off all of these things that I have done that contradict that thought of judgment or that fear behind failing. I think Mel is backing that up with more an emotional support, not that Scribe isn’t offering that emotional support, but Mel– Mel’s level she’s like at a level ten, whereas Scribe’s level it’s like a level seven, if I were to describe that.

Therapist:
Would it be right I get the feeling as you’re describing that that Scribe with Mel sound quite situated in the here and now?

Me:
Yes um yes

Therapist:
So if if I were to say the Scribe and Mel space is here in this hand, and on the other hand is that other judgment part that has some of the worries and concerns, where would you say that is situated? Is that from the past, from another time? Or does it feel like it’s here and now?

Me:
It feels like it’s trying to be here and now, but I feel as though it would be– I guess those are beliefs kind of instilled from the past. If I ever failed at certain things, that’s done a nice little imprint in my brain

Therapist:
So I’m wondering, and if it feels helpful to differentiate them, it might be helpful to use hands as well to kind of have those in conversation with one another. We have here this Scribe mixed with Mel, a rational and nurturing voice, and over here there’s what you’re calling the ‘judgmental’ part that feels like a place from the past, a part from the past that has worries and concerns. And one of the things among many that that’s really important right now in strengthening this nurturing and rational part of you and voice in you,  is to ensure that it can be present to hear all of the worries and concerns so they can be reassured, so they can be validated, so they can be held; not shut down or pushed to the side, but offered any of the missing information, any of the pieces that might help this worried part of you feel like it’s okay to have these worries, it isn’t going to spiral into something big. There is another part of you that can say “hey that’s okay let me show you the rest of the information that you might not have”

Me:
That voice definitely being adamant about “well here are all these other things, what if you still fail at this thing?” And Scribe and Mel but I guess with different tones to it, in a way, of being like “well so what? What if we do this thing and we fail? The world isn’t going to explode” kind of thing. That failing is a part of life I guess. I don’t know, there’s this thing that Nan used to say, because what’s the typical saying it’s like “practice makes perfect” or whatever? but Nan used to say “practice makes progress”. And I think that that thought is definitely coming through by Scribe mostly, but the idea of “practice makes progress” isn’t held at all, I don’t think, by that other part. I think their attitude is more of a “practice makes you fail at this thing and rediscover why you’re a failure at things or why you are, you know, a disappointment or like you know those negative thoughts

Therapist:
Would it be okay because I’m hearing it come through, if we heard that’s it from this part with the worries and the concerns? Knowing that we have this other hand with Scribe, bit of Mel around to respond to. I’m feeling like it might be important for this part of you to get to voice any and all of its worries

Me:
There’s the part that’s more worried about failure and the internalized feelings of that, but then there’s the part around that it’s very ‘externally’ kind of thing,  judgmental that “this will result in failure, you fail at things, you’re unable to succeed at all the  things blah blah blah”.

Therapist:
Just holding that I’m very gently inviting yourself to move back towards this hand over here, or this space with Scribe and a bit of Mel. How might they respond to what Mila is feeling?

Me:
Well I know that Scribe is trying to, I don’t know what that ‘empathize’ is the right word, but Scribe is better I guess at allowing that Mila to have that space, and then there’s I think appreciation felt by both Scribe and Mel that she is somewhat participating in the conversation.

Therapist
If, you know, Mila’s here, it’s this room, she’s having those feelings and she’s expressing them, and if I were to ask “ Hey Scribe, Scribe and Mel, how do you feel about what’s happening for Mila?

Me:
That it’s understandable as to why she feels that way, to why both of them feel that way I suppose. But yeah it’s understandable and that they understand the place that comes from, and even though it’s not– So the word that I want to use is that it’s not ‘necessary’ right now, but that’s my words rather than the feeling that comes through, but because try not to place judgment on her thoughts or anything like that but– It’s not “applicable”,  thank you, that it’s not applicable in the here and the now but it’s okay for her to have those thoughts and concerns. Yeah so there’s definitely pushback on that.

Therapist:
How is that?

Me:
It’s definitely very interesting

Therapist:
Because I’m noticing you noticing it and being with it, and it’s happening but you’re also staying here with me. While it’s happening it’s not causing the same kind of responses, well the same kind of immediate switches

Me:
Yeah it’s it’s very just like having all of this happen, kind of thing, in one space, or part of that space being somewhat– I wouldn’t say “being blocked by a wall”–the first thing that comes to my mind is like RV families on Tiktok where they’re like “oh now these kids have” um what are they called? like the sheets across it. They’ve got their own space in their three bunkbeds– like “oh now the kids have their own rooms”, that’s not a room.  That’s what it kind of feels like with the side of things with those two Mila’s there and then everyone else kind of like over in this bigger part of the room, kind of thing. So it’s interesting to observe and communicate all of those things. My brain feels like it’s working on over-time trying to convey the– I guess some of the communication that’s coming through is very clear and very verbal, and then all the bits that are coming through as very ‘felt’ and me having to kind of translate how that would come through in a sentence. It feels very much like not necessarily that my emotions have been cut off but there’s a feeling of a swoop in from another part kind of thing that is kind– I don’t know whether it’s numbing out, just tapping more into– All that’s coming across my mind, but I’m trying to think of a sentence is “logical but, you know, more of a dickish sense”. But I don’t– in a very, I don’t know, Charles like way but I don’t think it’s Charles I think it might be Elijah.  I think I may have struck a chord with Abby I think, I’m not sure. Yeah about the the whole fear of failure– I think that might actually be that other part that I was trying to figure out

Therapist:
So there’s lot’s around?

Me:
Yeah,  there’s a very logical, dickish–  It’s Elijah and Everett yeah that’s who’s around. Scribe and Elijah kind of just being like “ah yes the two most adults at the party” like “ah yes hello we are we are the parents, lets chitter chatter” kind of thing.

Therapist:
When you just said the word ‘parents’, “ it’s like the parents” at the end there, that makes a lot of sense to me. As you’ve been describing this some of what’s been coming up for me is the sense of what we call ANPs and EPs in some of this work. It can be called any different variety whatever feels best and most comfortable for each of us, but there’s these parts of us that are situated quite adaptively in the here and now, they have different functional capacities to be nurturing, to have rationale, to be protective, to make decisions; hearing and holding the all of the framework of the system but also still executing the decision even if there are parts that tantrum a bit or don’t love what we’re choosing. And the EPS are are known as a more emotional parts, our wounded parts, our younger parts, parts of us with bigger emotional feelings

Me:
Sorry *laughs* I was listening but also I wasn’t. My brain was just more of a “ Ha! Lol” kind of moment. The joke in my mind was “it is like a successful co-parenting relationship”– like a Blues Clues moment that clicked on. It’s just like “ah yes it’s kind of like that, it’s like parents that still love each other but separated, but still successfully co-parent and are still best friends and platonic-y–kind of. That’s what it feels like, which was a “ha ha” moment in my brain because I was like ah “this is how your DID  freaking manifests in your brain because you didn’t have that kind of relationship with your parents. LOL!”. So there was that kind of humor that was going through my brain when I realized that.