Overlapping Timelines

This recording is very much all over the place as there were multiple younger parts present that were very much stuck in the past. In the first segment of the recording we talk about happy memories from the past. At 05:32 the discussion moves towards the idea of safety during childhood. Nothing explicit or specific is mentioned, however, there is expressed internal conflict between a part that is conveying to my therapist that my childhood was “fine” “safe” “boring” as a means of protection, and another young part that is distress about the lie of being “fine”.

Disclaimer:
This is by no means instructions on how you as a reader/listener should go about your healing journey, rather, a documentation of my own. Please note that recording and subsequent publishing by myself has been okay'd by my therapist.

Extra note: The audio/background noise issue unfortunately led to a lot of snipped out audio for this week, however, newer posts after this have 100% clearer audio due to lapel mics being used.

Therapist:
So I’m gonna add some pretty simple here and now questions okay? They might sound a bit silly. Do you know the day and date today?

Me:
It’s a Tuesday.

Therapist:
Yeah

Me:
It’s Tuesday and it’s May because it’s my cousin’s birthday soon and–it’s 2023?

Therapist:
That’s right

Me:
It doesn’t feel–it doesn’t feel like that. It feels it feels like there are two different things happening at the same time.

Therapist: 
And it feels like this?
*clasps hands together in “V” shape replicating my hand motion*

Me:
I don’t know the other time but it feels–it’s not at the same time as it is in this room

Therapist:
Okay

Me:
It’s the time where I am, but not the time where ‘that ’is, and where ‘that’ is is in here (my therapist’s office)

Therapist:
And you’re somewhere else hey? can you tell me about where you are

Me:
I know because because that is where I am isn’t now,  it’s in the then, and I am small but it is confusing because the this–and that is confused with me and– I am confused

Therapist:
Okay. Would you like to come back to this place or would you like me to come where you are

so I can understand more about where that is and what that’s like, and then when you’re ready we can come together back to this place?

Me:
*Nods*

Therapist:
Okay. So you’re pretty little there okay, what does it look like where you are? What can you see or hear?

Me:
I can see lots of things at the same time. I can see my nan’s house, but I can also see my house, but then I can also see my old house. I can see all of them. And I can also see my nan and pop’s house. I can see all of those.

Therapist:
Is there anyone else around as you see all of these houses?

Me:
Hmm, I don’t think so.

Therapist:
Okay, okay that’s a lot of houses there that you can see. Do you have a favorite

Me:
I like Nan’s house. Nan’s house is my favourite. We get to do lots of fun things at nan’s house. We get to have ice cream at Nan’s house, and caramel tarts, and honey joys. I like the caramel tarts the most

Therapist:
They sound good

Me:
And we got to play in the treehouse at Nan’s house

Therapist:
How does it feel seeing, remembering, holding those things right now?

Me:
I like it–I like it a lot but it is confusing. It is confusing because of the ‘this’– and and when I when I stop thinking about those things–and and I don’t know how to say. It’s like there’s another voice the one that is
like ‘this’ that those memories aren’t close memories anymore,  and that they are far away memories and that Nan and Joan aren’t around anymore. And that is–I don’t like–it’s not a funny it’s not a funny joke and I don’t like it

Therapist:
No, It’s not funny at all.

[There was a fair bit of dialogue occurring at this point internally between a less cooperative part that is more aware of the time now, and these younger more vulnerable parts sharing the good memories from childhood. These younger parts are stuck in the past and are confused when it is pointed out by the other part that Nan passed away during my adult years. Externally my therapist was talking about how it's okay for this younger part to not understand these things and that they are currently okay sitting and staying in the happy memories rather than any memories that might make them feel unsafe. Where it is implied that some memories may be from times in childhood where I was not “safe” is where this second area of  conversation picks up]

Therapist:
You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to, and you don’t have to say anything but I’m getting the feeling that you might be a bit mad at me? and that’s okay. Is that right? because it’s okay if you are. I think I might have said something or done something that made you feel a bit angry or upset. Maybe it might have felt like I didn’t understand

Me:
I don’t know. I am– I don’t need to go to a safe spot because I’m always safe, and  that made me mad because I am always safe. There is not–I am mad– It is a silly idea that I am not always safe because I am. I am always safe 

Therapist:
Okay, yeah so I made a mistake saying that hey? You know, sometimes as an adult I make mistakes. And I’m so much bigger than you, and sometimes adults can forget that kids also know how to keep themselves safe, they know how to do things. Thanks for reminding me. You know,  I also think you and I might have some different ideas about what’s okay, and what’s not okay.How does it feel where you are right now? Safe enough? Okay?

Me:
I guess okay, I don’t know, I guess it’s just normal. It just feels like “same same” or feels just normal– just like a normal day and things are okay. And it’s just the same thing everyday, nothing ever changes it is always the same. It’s boring

Therapist:
Would you like to stay where it’s normal, boring, or  would you like for a part of you to find your way back here?

Me:
I have to stay and– I don’t understand why she is– why is she lying? 

Therapist:
Who was that who just lied?

Me:
I don’t know but she is lying

Therapist
I know, I know 

Me:
Now I– I shouldn’t have said that she was lying. I shouldn’t have–

Therapist:
It’s okay, it’s okay. You don’t have to stay there and it’s okay. I know it’s hurting you, she doesn’t want to hurt you okay? Sometimes people say things when they’re scared and they tell us they’re safe even when they’re not. And I’m hearing for you you’re not 

Me:
But she is angry with me. I shouldn’t have said that she was a liar. That is not good and I shouldn’t have said that.

Therapist:
Okay okay, and we can set up a discussion later okay? And  you can talk to her and she can talk to you, And we’ll make sure you can have these conversations so she understands and you understand ,okay? But you’re both pretty little and I think you need an adult around. Can I help?

Me:
I don’t know how

Therapist:
Can I come a bit closer to you? I’m just gonna keep my hand here *holds hand out next to me* you don’t have to do anything but it’s here okay? In case you want to hold it, in case– yeah make room for those yawns. If you want me to come in and bring you somewhere safe. I’m not gonna leave you alone okay little one? Can you see out this window?

Me:
There’s another building

Therapist:
Can you see the color of the sky?

Me:
It’s blue

Therapist
It’s very blue. Do you know what time of day it is to make it this blue?

Me:
It is not night time because you can see the sky is blue. It is not morning because it makes a difference– it’s a light blue in the morning. It is maybe in the afternoon? It’s afternoon sometime. It is not dark like in the afternoon. It’s the middle of the afternoon

Therapist:
Yeah that’s right. Can you remember the name of this street that this house is on? What about the cat’s name?

Me:
She looks so cozy

Therapist:
She does, doesn’t she?

Me:
Oh to be a cat

Therapist:
It’s a hard life

Me:
I’m sure when we get a heater the cats will lay near the heater. We don’t have one yet though. 

Therapist:
I’m hearing that by mentioning when you get a heater 

Me:
Because we don’t have one

Therapist:
There’s a different part of you around. That another part of you is here. The you who who  lives with your partner and has pets

Me:
Uhm… yeah, I guess?